Conflict Style Quiz
One of you pursues. One of you withdraws. Probably.
- Players
- 2 players
- Length
- 20–40 min
- Cost
- Free · no signup
- Long distance
- Works long distance
Ready?
One of you pursues. One of you withdraws. Probably.
- Players
- 2 players
- Length
- 20–40 min
- Intensity
- Sweet
Free · No signup · Nothing you answer is saved
How do you play Conflict Style Quiz?
A conflict style quiz has both partners privately rate statements about what they actually do during an argument — pursue or withdraw, escalate or shut down, resolve immediately or need space — then compare. The aim is naming the loop between two behaviours rather than labelling either person.
How to play
- Score each statement about yourself, one to ten, privately.
- Score honestly, including the unflattering ones. Especially those.
- Reveal at the end and look at the whole shape.
- Find where one of you scores high on pursuing and the other on withdrawing.
- That pair is your loop. Go and read Conflict Resolution Questions next.
Why couples love this game
Naming the loop changes the argument about the argument. Once you can both say "this is the bit where I follow and you shut down, and each of those makes the other worse", nobody has to be the unreasonable one — which is usually what the meta-argument was actually about.
The most common destructive pattern in relationships is not shouting — it is one person pursuing and the other withdrawing, each behaviour making the other worse, neither person doing anything unreasonable on its own.
This quiz maps that. Fourteen statements about what you actually do when things get heated, scored privately and compared. It does not label you; it shows you the shape of the loop.
It pairs directly with Conflict Resolution Questions, which is where you decide what to do about it.
Example things you rate
- I want to resolve it immediately, even late at night
- I need to walk away before I can talk about it
- I raise my voice
- I go very quiet and very precise
- I bring up things from months ago
- I say things I do not mean to win
The full game has 14 of these, shuffled every time you play.
Who this game is best for
- Couples whose arguments escalate faster than the subject warrants
- Anyone who has been told they "always walk away" or "never let it go"
- Before or alongside counselling
- Long-distance couples, where withdrawal is much harder to read
Tips to make it better
- Score the unflattering ones honestly. A tidy profile is a wasted exercise.
- Do not use the result as a defence. "That is just my conflict style" is not one.
- Look for the pursue/withdraw pair specifically. It is the most common and the most damaging.
- Follow it with Conflict Resolution Questions, which is the actionable half.
Frequently asked questions
What is the pursue-withdraw pattern?
One partner needs resolution and moves toward it; the other needs space and moves away. Each behaviour intensifies the other, and neither is unreasonable alone, which is why it is so hard to see from inside.
Can you change your conflict style?
The behaviours shift more readily than people expect once the pattern is named, largely because most of the escalation is reactive rather than deliberate.
What do we do with the result?
Take it to Conflict Resolution Questions, which is where you agree the actual rules — particularly a pause signal, which is the single most useful fix for this loop.