Fears and Dreams

How to play

1. 1Both answer every card.
2. 2Go in order — the alternation between fear and hope is deliberate.
3. 3Do not reassure immediately after a fear. Let it be said.
4. 4Six to eight cards is a full session.
5. 5Note anything either of you says they want to act on.

Why couples love this game

Both lists move much faster than people assume. Couples who have not asked in three years reliably find that at least one major hope has quietly been abandoned and at least one new fear has arrived without ever being mentioned — and simply naming those is most of the value.

Early on, couples ask each other about hopes and fears constantly. Then the relationship settles, the answers are assumed to be known, and nobody checks again — even though both lists change substantially every few years.

This deck alternates between the two. A fear, then a hope, then a fear, so neither side takes over the evening and it does not become either a therapy session or a vision board.

The most common reaction is surprise at how much has moved since anyone last asked.

Example questions

• What are you most afraid of at the moment?
• What are you most hoping for?
• What is a fear you have had since childhood?
• What did you dream about at eighteen that you still want?
• What did you want then that you no longer do?
• What are you afraid of about getting older?

The full game has 20 of these, shuffled every time you play.

Who this game is best for

• —Couples several years in
• —The start of a year
• —Anyone facing a big decision
• —Long-distance couples on a proper call

Tips to make it better

• ✦Do not rush to reassure. A fear that gets immediately argued with does not get named again.
• ✦Keep the alternation. Doing all the fears first makes for a grim hour.
• ✦The abandoned-dream card is the one that matters most. Do not skip it.
• ✦Revisit annually. The answers move more than anything else on this site.

Frequently asked questions